actually, I'm a sock model
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
