Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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