They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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