Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
