Tell her she can't have a vagina
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
