I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
