Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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