Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
