Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
