Sry I called you an 8
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
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