I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
