I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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