Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
