i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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