You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
