'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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