Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
