I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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