I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
