There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
