Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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