Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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