Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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