As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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