we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
