Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
