i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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