Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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