so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize