I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Two words: nipple clamps
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