somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
