How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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