I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
