My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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