he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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