she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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