I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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