Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
