i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
