I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
