sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
