The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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