he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
