My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
