Are we in a gay sports bar?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize