i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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