sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you would pick up someone in the library
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
