He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
