you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize