Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize