We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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