woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize