11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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