i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
