I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
