Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
